Dressing For Success
Dear G & G,
I recently realized I hate everything in my closet, and chucked it all into bags and put it out for Goodwill to collect. Please advise me on how to build a tasteful, ladylike wardrobe from the ground up.
~Déshabillé
PS The initial purchases may have to be done online for reasons that probably don’t need spelling out.
Déshabillé, darling,
While I admire and applaud your intentions, I have to take slight issue with your execution. I do hope you kept at least one tasteful peignoir for wandering about your maison.
Though you have said nothing of your living arrangements, one must assume you can’t simply have your man servant pop out to your favorite couturier and pick up something smart. This does make things difficult, but not impossible. So let’s get down to business.
First, darling, let’s get one thing right out of the way: budget. Plan carefully before your purchase. Few of us are blessed with an unlimited budget where our wardrobe is concerned, and though I am one so blessed, I would still adhere to these three basic principals.
They are as follows:
1) Be Appropriate
2) Be Natural
3) Be Accessorized
I’m afraid, Déshabillé, that you’ve told me nothing about your specifics, so I’ll have to speak in generalities. Buy clothes that are appropriate to your age, lifestyle, and sensibilities. If you are a tall, striking woman of a certain age, fight the temptation to purchase that kicky little top and skirt outfit. Resist it down to your last breath, no matter how cute you thought it looked on Lindsay at her last DUI arrest. One can never go wrong with a slimple, elegant Little Black Dress. While pantsuits are not quite quite, a classic slacks/blouse and jacket combination is good.
Shoes….oh, what can I say about shoes. A classic pump to start. Go simple, go clean. As you grow more experienced and confident, then step out a little. But for now, though I hate to play it, play safe. People to watch: Helen Mirren. Katherine Hepburn. People to avoid: Posh Spice. Paris Hilton.
Second, remember this cardinal rule: natural fibers are our friends. Rayon might be fun and fabulous, but it should only be attempted by trained professionals. Even the most innocent appearing poly-cotton blend can turn on you and rend you when you least expect it.
Here again, budget plays a major role: though you may think buying that synthetic sweater that “looks just like the cashmere” a frugal choice, be strong. Buying one utterly perfect silk blouse that caresses your body like no man ever could is worth any number of cheap knockoffs. Think George Clooney compared to Ashton Kutcher. Fabrics that are our friends: raw weave silk, linen, fine wool. Fabric Fiends: anything one would find in the closet of the finer double wides in the flyover states.
Finally — and I cannot stress this enough — accessorize. Can one have a truly great meal without a truly devastatingly excellent wine? No, one cannot. Though I rarely take my wit and wisdom from theatrical endeavours about southern beauty parlors, I must acknowledge the absolute accuracy of Steel Magnolias: “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” Of course, it was Oympia Dukakis who said that immortal line, so one shouldn’t be surprised at its truth. Once again, however, I’m going to err on the side of caution: stay simple. A double strand of pearls, worn close to the throat, not a rope capable of doing in Isadora Duncan, or looking as if it was won during a debauch in the French Quarter shortly before Lent. Simple gold clips and bangles. A tasteful clutch, not something marketed by Samsonite. Excercise great caution in these selections. They can make or break an outfit. Names to consider: Tiffany, Shreve, classic Chanel. Names to consign to the dustheap: anything found in the more popular malls, particularly those starting with the phrase “Great Mall Of…”
This should get you started, on a theoretical basis. To your immediate issue: get on the phone and call your best gay boy riend. Tell him your sizes — your true sizes, mind you, because he will keep them secret — and tell him what to get for you. Trust his judgement; it’s innate. While he’s running that errand, run right over to The Fug Sister’s site, Go Fug Yourself. Study this site. It’s a good crash course in what mistakes to avoid. Then when your BGBF gets there, dress, leaving him to catch up on the site (you can be sure that he’s seen it and has it bookmarked). Then gather the notes that you’ve taken and get started. Trust his advice; he wants you to look good. He will tell you if that dress makes you look fat, which no one else on the planet will do, and he’ll buy you the cocktails afterwards to help you recover. He is, perhaps, your most important fashion accessory.
Now get to work, darling, and let me know how things proceed.
Yours,
Vivienne
