She’s an absolute doll
Dear Inebriates,
“Two weeks ago, I brought home a new doll. My two other dolls still haven’t accepted her. They make cutting remarks, and she cries every day! Last night they pushed her out of our bed! Have you any advice?
“–Daunted D*llf*cker”
A Guest Inebriate responds:
“Dear F*cker,
“As dolls take much of their personality from their owners, perhaps the dissonance in your home is a sign of the dissonance in your own mind. Might I suggest calming meditations? Also, a visit with the appropriate imaginary counselor, such as Dr. Lucy Van Pelt, Barney, or the Easter Bunny might be in order.
Dear Etiquette People,
I’m worried about my roommate. She reads a lot of very explicit romance novels. I’ve looked through them, and you wouldn’t believe what goes on. I’ve tried explaining to her that she is cheating on her future husband by allowing herself to dwell on lustful thoughts of the men in these books. She just laughs loudly in a way that might indicate she is possessed.
She won’t listen to sound moral advice, but I know she reads secular advice columns, so you are my only hope. how do I convince her to preserve her chastity, mentally?
~A Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
It is our considered opinion that you are already doing enough for chastity, mentally, for both yourself and your friend. We therefore advise you to put aside your worries, and take up some form of healthy outdoor activity.
as ever,
Miss Verity
