About
Welcome to Gin & Gentility, where your impeccably well-bred, and often very nearly sober, hosts attempt to answer those perplexing questions of etiquette.
Write to us at staggeringly.correct@gmail.com for advice or, failing that, recipes. You can also comment here. Queries are answered in no particular order.
A Certain Gentleman said,
February 18, 2008 at 2:04 am
Dear Gin & Gentility,
I have a perplexing question to which there does not seem to be a ready answer, and I do hope that you can help me. You understand that this is a very delicate situation and I have tried to deal with it in various ways, to no good effect.
I am the head of a large division of…shall we say, workers, for lack of a better term. During the course of my duties one day, I happened upon my subordinate in the lavatory. (Such an encounter isn’t unusual, since the lavatories in our building are communal.) We spoke to one another while standing at the urinals (forgive me if I am indelicate!) and as I was standing at the sink, washing my hands, I noticed that my subordinate was wearing…
…ladies’ cosmetics.
We are part of a very conservative organisation and although I like to give those under me every advantage (and what one does during his off-duty hours is his own business) but my subordinate, I fear, had done himself up with false eyelashes, lip rouge, powder &tc &tc. I took him aside and told him that, as I was his superior and this was a very conservative organisation, it went against company policy to wear ladies’ cosmetics during duty. I pointed out that he was entitled to dress and to behave however he wished during his off-duty hours, as long as such behaviour was within the confines of the law and good taste. (I believe the latter to be a far greater determinant of behaviour than the former, if the truth be known.)
My subordinate flew into a rage and accused me of being disrespectful to him as a person. He then advised me that he had gathered to himself several like-minded members of our organisation, all of whom had decided ‘en masse’ to no longer obey the dictates of our corporate dress code, but to come to work arrayed as ladies. Moreover, he indicated that he and these others would be constructing for themselves ladies’ bosoms out of foam rubber, which they would wear for the latter part of each working week!
Please advise me: how do I indicate to my subordinate, without hurting his feelings, that such dress is not permitted within the boundaries of our organisation? My subordinate has as much as accused me of not being appropriately sensitive to his gender issues and has indicated that he intends to report me to my immediate superior.
I would appreciate your wise attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
A Certain Gentleman
Don't Play That Song said,
February 18, 2008 at 2:12 am
Dear Gin & Gentility,
I gotta problem: some guy I know keeps coming into my place and helping himself to the contents of the bar. He never pays for anything. Every time my bartender writes up a bill, this guy tears up the bill. I never get paid for nothing and I’m sick of it. I stick my neck out for nobody.
How can I get him to pay for the stuff he drinks?
PS: He’s really cute. I don’t wanna piss him off. Oh, and he’s a cop. A really cute cop. If you catch my drift.
Thanks,
Don’t Play That Song
Piano Man said,
February 18, 2008 at 2:42 am
Dear Gin & Gentility,
I play the piano in a nightclub and it’s an okay job. My boss is a nice guy, except for one thing: he won’t let me play my favourite song! No matter where he is in the building, if I start to play that song, he starts running and goes off on me like there’s no tomorrow.
Should I leave and find another job? Or just find another song?
Sincerely,
Sam
Secret Agent Man said,
February 18, 2008 at 2:46 am
Dear Gin and Gentility,
Recently I was staying in a very nice hotel in a foreign country when I was suddenly arrested by local police, thrown into jail, strip-searched, beaten with pencils and subjected to a humiliating cavity search. All I said was, “Can you hold onto these papers for me, just for a few hours?”
I intend to take legal action against the establishment in which my arrest occurred, and also the local police, but I am currently in hiding for…reasons that don’t need to be discussed at this juncture, so I am at a loss. What should I do? Should I return to the place where my arrest and humiliation occurred, or should I simply forget about it and attempt to get on with my life?
Yours,
Sneaky
PS: You despise me, don’t you?
Mr. Hero said,
February 18, 2008 at 2:53 am
Dear Gin & Gentility,
Thank you for hearing my request. I don’t expect to be listened to, and when such kindness happens, I am always astonished and surprised. It is a wicked world we live in, is it not?
I am currently involved in bettering the lives of others the world over. I don’t mind doing it; it’s my pleasure to serve. I regret that I only have one life to lose for my country.
Recently, my lovely wife and I were visiting what she claimed was an old college roommate of hers in Morocco. However, as soon as I saw them together, I knew that they had been more than mere roommates. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her; his gaze followed her everywhere she went. I found them later, huddled behind the bar, drinking champagne and talking about Paris. Shortly afterwards, we left, never to return. I am reasonably certain we will never see him again.
I suspect my wife and this character were lovers, but I am far too honourable to do anything about it. Should I confront her? Or should I forget the entire matter?
A la patrie!
Mr. Hero
Mini-Cop said,
February 18, 2008 at 2:57 am
Dear Gin & Gentility,
My boss is a hypocrite who does not respect the gender needs of his subordinates. Yesterday, trying to express my need to live part of my life as a woman, I appeared at work wearing ladies’ cosmetics. He immediately took me to task for behaving in a manner “unbecoming to the masculine sex”! yet I know for a fact he is in love with the saloon keeper, that cynical one who drinks a lot and won’t let his piano player play what he wants.
Should I tell my boss what I think of him? And isn’t it my right to wear foam rubber breasts if I want to?
G.C.
Don't Play That Song said,
February 18, 2008 at 3:00 am
Dear Gin and Gentility,
Yeah, this guy I was telling you about, who comes in and drinks all my booze, I think I’m in love with him.
That’s not kosher, is it?
Seig Heil said,
February 18, 2008 at 3:07 am
Dear peoples,
I am attached to the regiment of the large town in the desert. Recently there was an uproar in a local gathering place and much unnecessary singing. When I attempted to crush this insurgence, I was told by the saloon keeper to “shut my yap” and that if I didn’t he would “squirt metal.”
What did I do to make him so angry? And how should I have dealt with him? At first I wanted to shoot him but there were too many people and my men and I had already arrested one man…two would have looked bad, and we were trying to make inroads with the local people.
I am willing to take any advice you have to give, however unpleasant.
H. S.
Yvonne said,
February 18, 2008 at 3:10 am
Dear Gin and Gentility,
I got this fella, see, and he’s a real heel. Last Saturday night we were supposed to go dancing and he said he was going to take me to a real nice eating place, but instead he hangs around this stupid nightclub and there’s this guy, this cop who’s always chasing him around.
Is my boyfriend gay? How can I tell?
Yvonne
PS: There’s a creepy Russian bartender who keeps coming on to me. Should I take him up on it?
The Fat Man said,
February 18, 2008 at 3:15 am
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
I keep a nightclub in a very small town whose infrastructure and economy can only support one nightclub. Unfortunately, there is a gentleman over the way whose nightclub is bigger and shinier than mine, and thus, it attracts a larger crowd.
Several times I have approached this man about selling me his club, but he refuses. No amount of money will sway him; I have sent pretty girls and pretty boys to his door, to no effect.
Should I attempt a hostile takeover?
Yours,
The Fat Man
PS: He is trailed everywhere by the most corrupt cop in town.
Umbrella Boy said,
February 18, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
Recently I had cause to enter into a business agreement with some acquaintances I had met in Hong Kong. The deal was that we would pool our resources to acquire a certain ‘objet d’art’ whose value could hardly be overestimated.
I trusted my acquaintances to deal fairly with me, as I had dealt with them. However, upon our arrival in San Francisco some weeks later, the lone female member of our group enlisted the aid of a private detective to help find this missing object – as we later found out, she intended to find it and keep it for herself!
I was astonished to find such dupilicity in our very midst, and so I went to this private detective and confronted him! I told him that, unless he told me where this object was, I would shoot him!
What do you think he did? He knocked me out, assaulted my person, rifled my belongings and made fun of my tiny little gun.
I very much want to get back at him for this behaviour but he is rather a tough customer, as they say, and I am afraid he might hurt me. What do you suggest?
Sincerely,
Mr. C.
SkinnyBitch said,
February 19, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Dear Etiquette People,
My name is Thandi, and I have a very special problem. I don’t know if you’ll be able to help me with it, but you really are my last resort, so here goes…
I’m incredibly thin and incredibly beautiful. People meet me on the street and stop me and say things about how beautiful I am, and how I could be a supermodel if i wanted to. Men give me all sorts of gifts, like jewellery, sports cars, condos in the Bahamas and so on.
My problem is this: apart from my gentlemen friends, I can’t seem to cement any sort of a lasting relationship with other women! I would love to have some female friends, because I’m all about sisterhood, but as soon as I meet a gal and we seem, you know, sympatico, it just falls apart. Maybe I’m too honest? I always try to give the sort of advice that I would like to get, for example, ‘Those jeans make your ass look fat’ and ‘You should really get Botox, and soon.’ For some reason, this makes other women hostile towards me.
What should I do?
Clueless in Canada
Side Effects said,
February 19, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Dear G&G:
My doctor prescribed some medicine to make my men’s parts larger. Instead, my fingers have swollen to the point where they now resemble sausages and my last child was born with the head of a German Shepherd. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Side Effect Mike
Blown Away said,
February 19, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Dear Gin and Gentility:
I have a difficult problem. I work in a crowded and very busy office; all of us have our own cubicles. The problem is not with me but with my co-worker, who seems to have more than the usual amount of intestinal gas, which he is not shy about releasing in the loudest and most noxious manner possible. He especially enjoys doing this when I am on the phone with a customer! He will even come by my desk, bend over, and release gas in an exaggerated manner. He will then fan the air immediately surrounding this release of flatus, so as to facilitate the spreading of what he calls his “aromatic vapours.”
I’ve complained to management, who tell me to suck it up and take it. I’m at my wits’ end and have already had three nervous breakdowns this year and it’s only February. Short of getting another job (which I don’t want to do – I really like my job) what can I do?
Sincerely,
Blown Away
Frank Arsenpuffen said,
February 19, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Dear G&G:
I got a problem with my sister. She got really big boobs and she likes wearing these tube tops with no straps on ‘em, right? And she likes watching TV and she jumps up and down and her top comes down and me and my buddies are over after school watching TV and they start laughing when her top comes down.
What should I do?
Frank
Cuckhold Chuckhold said,
February 19, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Dear G&G:
I am currently serving my country with great pride as part of our armed services. I am away for much of the year, leaving my girlfriend Lurla Mae alone in our home. I trust Lurla Mae, as she has accepted Jesus into her heart as her personal Lord and Saviour, but I do not trust some of the young men in our hometown. I am afraid that some of them might take advantage of Lurla Mae’s openhearted generosity and her kindly nature while I am away, and seduce her down a path of sin and the lusts of the flesh.
What can I do to ease my mind while I am away?
Chuck
Anti-In-Law said,
February 20, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Dear G&G:
I have a horrible sister-in-law. This past summer she borrowed my car to drive my nieces to soccer practice – the kids are the only reason I speak to this beastly woman at all – and when she brought it back, there was a faint but unpleasant odor in it.
Over time, as the heat became more sweltering, the odor in the car became more foul. It got to the point where passengers were asking us to pull over so they could vomit. This, needless to say, didn’t make me a very popular Designated Driver (which has since led to a drinking problem on my part, but that’s another story). My car is leased, which meant I had to have it examined, thinking perhaps my horrible SIL had run over a squirrel and it had been decomposing in the undercarriage ever since she borrowed it.
We ended up having to pay $60 for an inspection at our dealership, at which point we were told that “someone” had apparently spilled a large coffee all over our mats and upholstery, and that the cream had begun to take on a life of its own, thus the nauseating stench. Another $120 managed to get rid of whatever new strain of bacteria my SIL had left to flourish in our car.
I’ve not yet mentioned this to her, as I don’t wish to estrange my brother or their kids, but I want this cow to PAY. Do I call her on it, send her the bill, or just outright take her to small claims court and get, if nothing else, some glee out of humiliating her in public?
Sincerely,
Anti-In-Law